Had a great band practice this Tuesday night, although I wasn’t too thrilled about driving home in a hurricane at 11:00PM. It’s no man’s land between Madison and Milwaukee and that is where the hurricane hit. But then I got home, let my dog out and saw stars. It was all very cathartic. Sort of.
Anyway, we had a great time making more recordings, three of which I will post here, since we are still figuring out where/how SWJ in modern times wants to live on the internets.
So I am currently working on a Flash animation for one of my tunes. And last night I started writing lyrics for a new song. And I think it is March and its madness, but I am having trouble focusing on ONE thing because there are seriously many pieces to this whole “thing” I am doing currently. Marrying all parts of myself for a common goal? I want it all done, all facets, now.
But I must remind myself constantly that it’s not the destination. It really is the journey, so enjoy the discoveries (joyous and disheartening) along the way. Not fight it or feel like what you are doing doesn’t matter. Putting the positive line of thinking into practice day to day is quite a challenge. But my alternative is to go back to staring out the window of my kitchen and feeling like cutting the grass every Wednesday is my only option in life. That is the true scary place to be. Complacency. And I was there in the thick of it 2 years ago. And had been for, well, years I think. Just last May, I realized my soul was sort of crying out for help and finally have started listening.
So I refuse to feel like what I am doing currently doesn’t matter, because it does. I feel like that sometimes when I am making my things. Like why do this? What is the point? But I know it is a distraction. It doesn’t matter how many people support you with kind words and props (though it kinda does help justify what you are doing).
So as promised, I uploaded some scratch tracks recorded Tuesday night at Sweet Jelly Headquarters. We had a LOT of fun doing these and look forward to playing out again this spring/summer. We’re currently working those details out.
I have momentarily stopped making my things and I know it. I am not sure what is going on currently. I have been busy. Not depressed, just busy. Maybe that’s just it. But is “being” busy, being disguised as fear to make my things? I certainly hope not because I know better by this time RIGHT? Starting Friday and running into next week I might have to hole myself up again in that end room I call a studio.
Last night when I was with Sweet Jelly, having another (in all seriousness) incredible practice, we pulled out our “standards” and I really noticed while singing these lyrics, the dark place I was in when I wrote these tunes 6,7,8 years ago. I think readers here know that pendulum swings back and forth here always with me, but not as wildly as I work on “the bigger picture” as to why I am here, in this lifetime trying to sort out my path. But wow. Maybe it is because we did the pending suicide trio back to back that it just sort of hit me.
We got some REALLY good recordings of these tunes in our new direction and I hope to post them soon somewhere for people to hear.
I have given up on March by the way. It just isn’t going to happen this year. He’s confused and torn between a number of places and my heart is far too fragile for that right now.
My dear and insightful friend Teresa (eons ago) alerted me to a most intriguing human being, Hildegard von Bingen. She was a music maker, scientist, had a head full of crazy visions and shockingly enough, was a nun. A true rockstar of her time, I’d say.
Yes, I know this music may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but lately I have been feeling a great state of emotional unrest, some insecurity creeping up (again) and I really have been searching out my true sense of spirituality. That can be daunting.
Last night’s windstorm sounded like a million lost souls trying to find their way home, yet there was nothing I could do but lay there and listen. It really affected me today, but Teresa’s recommendation from eons ago, came back to me when I was feeling a bit dire and I have been listening to Hildy’s pieces all day while I work and they have been giving me great comfort.
Listening to her music reminded me to look within once again. Some days that concept is easy, others it seems a most impossible task. But if we are not gentle, honest, understanding and open with ourselves, how can we ever propose to offer that to others?
This really spoke to me about Hildegard. Even though she was an “accomplished nun”, she too had her own setbacks and struggles.
During all these years Hildegard confided of her visions only to Jutta and another monk, named Volmar, who was to become her lifelong secretary. However, in 1141, Hildegard had a vision that changed the course of her life. A vision of god gave her instant understanding of the meaning of the religious texts, and commanded her to write down everything she would observe in her visions.
“And it came to pass … when I was 42 years and 7 months old, that the heavens were opened and a blinding light of exceptional brilliance flowed through my entire brain. And so it kindled my whole heart and breast like a flame, not burning but warming… and suddenly I understood of the meaning of expositions of the books…”
Yet Hildegard was also overwhelmed by feelings of inadequacy and hesitated to act.
“But although I heard and saw these things, because of doubt and low opinion of myself and because of diverse sayings of men, I refused for a long time a call to write, not out of stubbornness but out of humility, until weighed down by a scourge of god, I fell onto a bed of sickness.”
