Carol Kroll

When do you know…

…if you are having a nervous breakdown? When you don’t ask anymore? So I am safe? Well, maybe not out of the woods yet, but I have this odd little plan that just popped into my head at 12:30AM, on a now, Saturday morning that I thought I would share with the world wide web.

See in high school, I was a hermit. A nerdy little awkward honor roll good little girl hermit. Sure I had an equally nerdy awkward boyfriend of 4 years (starting in 8th grade, sorry Mom, I lied we WERE dating, but she found that out the yucky way when I was in surgery at 15 and found some (very) dirty poems he had written me in my purse I left with her, meaning, 14yrs old = DUMBASS) but then he ended up banging someone on his trip to Germany in my Junior year, but that is ok because I was being vigorously pursued by the (hotter than hot) boy named Scott, eventually ended up falling HOPELESSLY “in love with” (I really did, sadly) that we all know later broke my heart into ten thousand pieces so at the time, didn’t really care who Eric banged in Germany to be quite truthful….oh but you should have been there for that particular conversation (after he casually mentioned it to me as we were looking at his trip pix’s)….

“Hey, who is this ?”

“That’s Megan. We sort of had sex while I was over there.”

(crickets)

“Uh-huh-wait……..um, pardon, you did what?”

(pointing to the picture I was holding of some chick with piercings and a tattoo that obviously looked a little more “worldly” than I was)

“Yeah, I banged her, Carol (same breath) but I brought you home some soap that they use there which is called Carol Soap. Here…..”

(I even think I said thank you as he plopped it in my hand)

I wish you all had been there really. It was quite entertaining when I think of it now. Too bad there isn’t video. I would like to see it, actually.

Ah but these are (true) stories for other times.

ANYWAY

Before I discovered “boys” (and I will use the term “discovered” in loose terms) I was a hermit nerdy girl with depression/anxiety attacks that spent A LOT of time alone in my room after I got home from school, listening to my music in headphoneland (complete solace and bliss mind you) singing and acting out all songs that graced my ears while making my animated films (yes, Morgyn, they are on VHS, but I will have to look for them, I know you asked) I made a film every year starting in 6th grade until 12th grade on my little super 8 camera and hand painted cels. THOUSANDS upon THOUSANDS upon THOUSANDS of drawings and plastic cels that were all painted on. I spent a year on each little film. And they all had soundtracks coordinated to them. It was quite the production.

All I know is that ANYTHING was possible in that room of mine. It was a magical place. I was gonna make it big, I was sure of it.

Although please note that the last film I made Junior/Senior year, I was distracted by my above romance drama and didn’t make the film I always envisioned which has always bugged me. Lost time I will never be able to get back and really, knowing what I know now, I SHOULD have stayed in my room making my stuff and listening to bad 80’s music.

Which by the way is the reason for this post.

So my plan is this. Since I was REALLY artistically productive during that time (roughly 1983-1989; quite the manic time) I have started importing all my shitty 80’s music and listening to it. And you know what? It ACTUALLY is making this process tonight, a LOT easier! I am chugging along here without the negative bastards pounding at the door of my mind. Wait. Gotta check again. Nope! They aren’t there! Did I find their secret out? That they HATE 80’s music? Is that all it took? A swift kick of Opposites Attract and Cold Hearted Snake to keep them at bay? We’ll see. This is just an experiment and may be short lived, and I may be blogging soon from the quiet hospital.

What are the tasty skeleton treats I have unlocked from my closet? I have no shame, here they are…

Early Madonna mainly La Isla Bonita (I had the 45, yes, the vinyl 45!) Cherish, Material Girl (I loved her vintage dress and the dance prodcution, I confess) and Into The Groove OH AND LET’S NOT FORGET the ultimate teenage romance song, True Blue. Yep, this was me in my room. I was quite the star of my own imagination. And frankly, I rocked.

Roxette, yes, that’s right, fricking Roxette. Got a problem with that? Too bad. Dressed for Success is taking me back to my happy place and there is nothing you can do about it.

Neneh Cherry! Buffalo Stance. I know this by heart. Even still which may in fact = sad.

Oh, and Debarge’s Who’s Johnny. Seriously. How can you NOT like this song? You have no soul if you do. I said the song, not the video mind you. The video sucks large amounts of poop.

The Thriller album should be coming up next because I was thrown into that by no fault of my own. I was just the right age at the right time. And he was dreamy. And had a llama. Where was this video for me to see in the 80’s??? I still want a llama. Keep the creepy monkey though. I don’t really like monkeys. (sorry Mo)

Oh if only we could have the righteous vintage MJ back with his voice and wicked dance moves.

But no, he had to piss it all away.

Like they all do.

(sigh)

Back to dreaming big dreams in my little room.

Everything old IS new again. How delightful.

September 6, 2008 | Comments (5) | Views (304)

Felt

This started out being about the incredible goodness that is “Fuzzy Felt” but it’s gonna end up being about a vintage fuzzy German hat I want to bid on from ebay.

More...

August 21, 2008 | Comments (2) | Views (249)

Waxing Nostalgia

So on my internet travels this evening, I found this little gem that I totally forgot about. My band, Sweet Jelly, did a radio interview back in 2006 and I dug it up for your listening pleasure this evening. Or morning if this is that time for you.

Sweet Jelly Radio Interview March 2006

Official Radio Site

I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

August 10, 2008 | Comments (4) | Views (238)

OCD’s Beware

I have been retiring to the studio a lot these days. This is usually the state of chaos I work in. OCD’s avert your eyes, though, in small comfort to them, I do actually have this crazy habit of having to clean up my studio before I work, then it becomes a sea of paper clippings, empty (sometimes moldy) tea cups, paint crap everywhere, water glasses, and Captain Chaos standing in the corner, tipping his hat in my general direction for a job well done.

I just got finished with a piece called “In A Perfect World” inspired by an afternoon of listening to Democracy Now while fighting the strong urge to guzzle some rat poison.

…so rather than end it so badly, I decided some acrylic paint and the cutting of old magazines would help. I uploaded it into the portfolio section (in the upper right) if you would like to have a look-see at the final. These were done on 3inch by 2inch canvas’s.

Now I have switched over to making a watercolor of a Chickadee (started and pictured above)

My art “style” has acquired a bit of ADD in recent years. I know artists need to have a definitive “style” so that everyone recognizes them and buy lots of stuff, but at what cost to you as a growing person? The old masters tried different things. That is often forgotten, I feel. And they usually never saw the fame or money of their work while they were alive either, because I surmise that is not why they were doing it.

I envy those people that can walk away from what they have created and feel JUST GREAT. I have come across, read, even met some that truly feel the power of creativity overtakes them like an epileptic fit commanded by God™ himself and are comforted by how an item now exists in the world that THEY created something that didn’t exist before. I marvel at that thought really and wonder how they got to that place.

As for me, I usually feel the “need” to make something, anxious yet soothed while I do it. I enjoy the actual “act” of creating and also happy to achieve “focus” for more than 45 min’s at a time. Then when I have finished a piece and feel “ok” about it, somehow Sir Procrastination shows up at the studio door and exclaims:

“Nothing semi-successful like this could be ever made again, making a new piece won’t feel half as satisfactory as you did while doing this one, so wait it out indefinitely until you feel you have the perfect idea or perfect technique. Proper wait for perfection is the key.”

(rather than just working and enjoying the time spent being productive)

And Sir Procrastination usually leaves me with his friend “Doctor-If-Only-You-Had” who talks about the absence of continuous work that has placated me for a good number of years.

(I really hate it when that bastard shows up.)

I have on occasion chucked pieces into the outdoor fireplace that even Sir Procrastination couldn’t talk me into keeping. And of those pieces that were burned or thrown away, I would do it all over again (and probably will in the near future)

I promised myself to have “a site” (this site) for my work because I felt it would make me “accountable” for not producing more work and shine a flash light in my procrastinating ways. And so far it has helped. I see the site has not been updated with artistic items and it aggravates me to make more.

See? Mission accomplished.

October 13, 2007 | Comments (3) | Views (293)